Understanding My Life-long Fear of Materialism

An Eerie Disquiet

I don't remember how old I was the first time I felt it. Maybe eight or so? Maybe a little older. I was in a video store with my parents. This was in the early days of movie rentals. You know, DVDs did not exist, so the shelves were lined with VHS cases, but only the cases, so you could easily see what movie you were grabbing. The actual cassette was in a black plastic case with the video store's name written on the front. These cassettes were kept behind the counter to prevent people from stealing them. And video rentals were for one night only. It was the one night rental that made the experience so poignant.

I saw a little girl, maybe four years old, trailing behind her mother. The mother was holding a stack of movie cases, more movies than anyone could possible watch in a single day (this was before binge-watching was a thing), then turned to her daughter and said, "So you want to get all of these?" The little girl nodded and I felt like my world was collapsing around me.

Why? I didn't figure that out until just a few years ago. At the time I explained it away by saying, "I really don't like greed." I didn't know of any other way to say it.

Feelings of Disgust

The reaction was even stronger when I watched the movie Labyrinth for the first time. Well, really every time I've ever watched Labyrinth I've felt it. The scene in question is right after Sarah eats the cursed fruit and forgets that she is looking for her baby brother. She stumbles into a junkyard where she meets a woman who hands her her favorite teddy bear and says, "Is this what you're looking for?" Sarah nods. Then the woman takes her to a room that looks like her bedroom and starts handing her all of her favorite childhood toys. Sarah sits, saying nothing, as the woman piles more and more stuff into her lap. Finally she begins to remember, and says she has to go, but the woman says, "Everything you've ever cared about is right here." I have always hated that scene, and it is still a hard one for me to watch. I just feel so...I don't know...gross whenever I watch it.

Again, I didn't figure out why until much later.

Moved to Tears

I always hated westerns as a kid. The first one I saw that I actually liked was Young Guns II. You should know that I was eleven when that movie came out and probably on the cusp of being sexually aware, so I think it was all the attractive men that made me like it so much. I became absolutely obsessed. It was odd that I felt that way because when the first one came out just a couple of years before I wouldn't even watch it. It was a western. And it had the world "guns" in the title for crying out loud! It was not a kids movie and certainly not a girl movie, so I just dismissed it off-hand. Then my mom talked me into watching it one day and I had to admit it was every bit as good as its sequel. But there was one scene that really bothered me.

The scene is near the end. It's when they have gone to their friend Alex's house to warn them of an impending assault, but it turns out to be a trap. So now they are all in the house, along with Alex and his wife, fighting for their lives. Alex decides he has to get his wife to safety, so he starts to pull her toward the door, but she has been filling her arms up with a collection of dishes, and protests when her husband suggests she leave them behind. As she is struggling with him, she keeps saying over and over, "I want my dishes!"

Oh my goodness...that was always the worst scene in that movie for me. Actually used to make me cry. But I wasn't crying for the poor woman whose life was falling apart. I was crying because, while her life was falling apart, she only wanted her dishes.

What It All Means

It took me years to figure this out. Like I said, it didn't come together in my mind until fairly recently. What I've realized is that I am profoundly disturbed when I see someone using material things to fill a deep emotional need. The mom in the video store was probably trying to ward off tantrums and buy herself a few peaceful hours in her home. Sarah felt deprived of her father's love and clung to her toys as a way to ease the pain. Alex's wife (I'm sure she had a name, but I don't remember it) was watching her world crumble. Her very life was in danger, as was the life of her husband. She was hanging on to her dishes as the one thing from the life they had built together that she could take with her.

Apparently I knew at a very young age, even if it was only on a subconscious level, that material possessions do not fill emotional needs. They do not make the pain go away. They just clutter up our lives with useless junk, which only adds to our stress.

I think I also see in these situations a warning. I am an introvert. I like to be alone. There are times when I would rather be with a book than with other people. But I have to be with people. I have to come out of the books some time, otherwise I'm using a material thing (a book) to fill one of my needs (companionship). And some small part of me knew this when I was as young as eight years old.

Why It's Important To Let Your Characters Tell Their Own Stories

Yes, It Really Works That Way

This is the most surprising thing I've learned as an author. I remember fighting it in one of my early attempts at writing a book. I had a married couple who were supposed to love each other to Saturn and back, but every time they had a conversation they started bickering. Then, when the wife started noticing strange occurrences in the house (it was a ghost story), she told her husband and he didn't believe her. And she got angry because he wasn't taking her seriously. I was alarmed. This wasn't how their relationship was supposed to work! They were supposed to be the perfect couple. I just had to work the story back around to their delirious love for one another. But every time I wrote a scene with both of them in it, they started arguing again. What the heck! I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought I was allowing my story to go in a direction it wasn't supposed to go. What I found out later was that wherever the characters want to go, that's where they're supposed to go.

An Example To Illustrate My Point

I'm going to use the television series Nip Tuck as an illustration for both the right and wrong way to go about character development. Okay, I know the show isn't on anymore, so I'm not going with anything current. And I know there are people out there who never watched it because it just wasn't for them. I mean, it got pretty raunchy at times with its graphic sex scenes and even more graphic surgery scenes. So if you missed it and you're perfectly fine with that, then I'm perfectly fine with that too. But you'll still be able to follow my line of thinking because I'll give all the examples you need to understand what I'm talking about.

The Sad Story of Christian Troy

Before there was Christian Grey, there was Christian Troy. The similarities between the two characters are so striking that for a while I was sure Fifty Shades was written by a disgruntled Nip Tuck fan. I found out later that I was wrong and if you don't know that story there are plenty of places to google it. I won't explain it here because it's beyond the scope of this blog post.

From the first episode of Nip Tuck it was clear that Christian's character was designed to melt the hearts of the show's female fans. In the first scene we are introduced to his charming side. Okay, he's a womanizer, but at this point who cares? He's handsome. He's intelligent. He's a successful doctor. And he's apparently great in bed because later on when he takes Kimber back to his house she doesn't seem to be complaining much. By the end of the episode we see a little deeper into his psyche, into the parts of him he doesn't reveal to the women he sleeps with, or even to his best friend. It is revealed that the patient they have just treated is a child molester, then we see a flashback to Christian as a little boy. It's fairly subtle, but the implication is strong that Christian was abused as a child. A later episode confirms this to be true. So right off the bat we've got a character who's handsome and charming, but who's been through some seriously traumatic crap in his life. In love with him yet? I think a lot of women were after that episode aired.

Then later Kimber comes back. Remember Kimber? He had a one night stand with her in the pilot, made her feel so crappy about her body she had to call the office and schedule some minor cosmetic surgeries, hinted that there might be the possibility for some kind of relationship between the two of them, then dumped her in the rudest possible way. She disappeared for a few episodes, but now she's back and she's pissed. An odd relationship forms between the two of them at this point, but it quickly becomes clear that Kimber is pretty darn far from being ready to forgive and forget. Then she asks Christian, "Why couldn't you just love me?" His response is typically jerk-like, but it broke my heart just the same. He says, "It's not your fault. I've never loved anyone." Aw...poor Christian. Let me be the one to teach you how to love.

Well, it turns out Christian does learn how to love. Only it's not a woman who teaches him. It's a child. One of his one night stands comes back into his life to inform him she's pregnant. At first he's understandably distraught, but then his sense of responsibility for the baby kicks in and he finds himself doing the kinds of things for this woman that a husband would do for a wife. Christian Troy being all domestic? Yeah...that's what impending fatherhood does for him. Of course, it's eventually revealed that the baby isn't really his, but by that point he loves the kid so much he can't imagine abandoning him. The scenes with Christian and that child are all so touching I still get goosebumps thinking about them.

Okay, we're at the end of season 1 now and we've established a certain story arc. We've discovered that, among other things, this show is about Christian and his journey from womanizing jerk to sensitive caring guy. But he has to go through a few more tragedies before his character can really become all he's capable of being. The first tragedy is losing custody of the baby when the biological father comes back on the scene. Oh my goodness, I don't think a TV show has ever made me cry so hard. Christian is broken after that, and as he's trying to put himself back together he finds he can't go back to the life he had before. He's been shown that there's more to relationships than just sex, and he's ready to explore some of that with a woman. He enters into what is probably the first monogamous relationship he's ever had. It doesn't work out. He finds that the woman he's chosen is just not the right one for him, but in their time together she helps him feel all the emotions he's run away from in the past. Again, some incredibly touching scenes came out of all that.

Then we come to the end of season 2 and Christian is attacked by a serial rapist who began making appearances a few episodes prior. Again, his life is spiraling out of control. Again he looks to a woman to help him find his way. This time it's Kimber. His feelings for her grow to such a point that he finally asks her to marry him. Christian Troy, married? It's not in keeping with his personality from the first season, but so much has happened to him by this point that it's perfectly believable. He's finally found that place within himself where he's capable of loving. Where he doesn't need to be with a different woman every night just to prove his manhood. Then Kimber is kidnapped on the day of their wedding, and Christian thinks she's walked out on him. He's furious. And he goes back to his old womanizing ways in order to work out his feelings of being stranded at the altar. But when he discovers what really happened to Kimber, he's overcome with remorse. He wants to renew their relationship, but she's been through too much and can't continue with him.

So now we're in season 4 and we'd like to expect the steady growth we've seen up to this point to continue. But something very unfortunate happens in season 4. It's like the writers have realized his character is nothing at all like he was in the first episode and they want to restore him to his former glory. So they force him to morph back into a womanizing jerk. Only this time the actor has begun to go bald and has put on a few pounds, so there's this whole annoying story arc where Christian becomes obsessed with his physical appearance to the point that he misses the birth of his best friend's son because he's having liposuction done at the moment the wife goes into labor. Really, Christian? You leave your best friend alone at a time like that because you're too vain to accept you now have love handles?

It only gets worse as the show goes on. The writers strip him of everything that made him a likable character. They stop focusing on his inner turmoil over that fact that, let's see, he was molested as a child, he fell in love with a baby he thought was his son only to lose the baby to the biological father, he was raped by the same man who kidnapped his fiancée and caused that relationship to come to an end, and on and on and on. In season 4 it's like none of that stuff matters to him anymore. But for the love of God don't let the man have love handles. That would be the end of the freaking world.

The Moral of the Story

The point is that as a writer you may have an idea of who you want your characters to be. When they begin to develop their own personalities and move in directions which are different from the ones you envisioned, you may be tempted to reel them back in and put them back on the path you originally designed. Don't give in to that temptation. Please. Let Christian Troy become the good man he wants to be and not the womanizer you thought he was supposed to be. Your audience will thank you. 

Lessons In Life From the Blue Ridge Parkway

This is the true story of my experience with the Blue Ridge Parkway, but in writing it down here I absolutely intend it to be a metaphor for how we deal with the new and unfamiliar in our daily lives. Read into whatever you want. It is likely that what you think it means is close to what I was thinking while I wrote it.

How I Heard of the Blue Ridge Parkway, And What I Learned Later

When you're raised by a mother who's afraid of everything, it colors your early perceptions of the world. In some areas you rebel, determined to show her that the thing she fears is not so bad after all, but other times you believe every single word she says. That's what happened with the Blue Ridge Parkway.

I did not grow up in the Blue Ridge Mountains, but I did grow up within a day's drive of them, which made them a frequent vacation destination. I knew my mother feared mountain roads. The way she clutched the door handle, the way she spoke in urgent tones to my father, every time we drove on them, was a big clue. As a child I did not realize that not all mothers react that way on narrow, curving roads. I thought it's how everyone felt. After all, on a road that dangerous, the utmost care is needed to ensure that the whole family does not perish in a ravine.

I have never ridden on the Blue Ridge Parkway with my mother, but she told me the story of the first, and only, time she and my father drove down it. She was relating to me the tale of a particularly frightening trip they took up to the mountains. She talked about narrow, twisty roads, sheer drop offs that seemed to stretch into eternity, steep inclines, and the need to creep along to avoid driving right off the side of the mountain. Then she said the sentence that would affect my life for a very long time. She said, "And somehow we ended up on the Blue Ridge Parkway!"

Her tone of voice said it all. What she was telling me was that she and my dad had accidentally (it must have been accidentally because why would anyone intentionally seek out such a place?) found themselves driving along the most dangerous road in America. Possibly the most dangerous road in the world. I could feel the fear radiating off of her as she related the story to me. She talked about shoulders so narrow nothing could be seen through the passenger's side window but sky. She talked about curves so sharp they threatened to come to life and willfully throw the car from the road. She talked about how she didn't think they'd ever get off that infernal highway and how she feared for her life the entire time.

I got the message loud and clear. Never, ever, drive on the Blue Ridge Parkway if you value your life.

Then I met my husband. And my husband loved the mountains. Still loves the mountains. If we go too long without a trip up there he starts to feel restless and depressed. And, heaven help him, the man loves the Blue Ridge Parkway.

I don't remember the first time he mentioned it to me. We may have been married at the time, or we may still have been dating. I don't remember the conversation which led up to it, either. All I remember is him turning to me and saying, "One day I'd like to drive the full length of the Blue Ridge Parkway."

I was stunned. Horrified. When I finally recovered my capacity for coherent speech I told him what a terrible idea that was. The Blue Ridge Parkway? We'd be safer walking into Mordor and staring into the Cracks of Doom.

I saw the disappointment on his face as soon as I finished giving my warning. Apparently this was a life-long dream of his and I had just crushed it beneath my shoe. But that didn't matter. I had done him a service. I had given him vital information which would hopefully keep him alive until he reached a ripe old age.

Then one day we were on vacation together in the mountains. And he was talking the whole time about wanting to drive the Parkway. And I was trying to talk him out of it. We were in the car, and there was sign pointing to the ramp where you get on. "Let's do it!" he said. And he did it.

My heart was pounding in my chest. I was not ready to die. Though I was not usually one to be fearful in the car, this was the Blue Ridge Parkway, for crying out loud. The road which had been luring hapless motorists to their deaths since it opened. And now we were driving on it.

What did I discover? I discovered a well maintained road. I discovered a road that runs over relatively (considering how high up in the mountains it is) flat ground. I discovered a road with a considerably smaller amount of twists and turns than many other mountain roads I had been on in the past. I discovered a road with broad shoulders, wide enough to pull the car over and be completely out of the path of oncoming traffic. Most importantly, I discovered a road which was safe.

It took a while (years in fact) for me to become completely comfortable driving it. My first impression of it, seen through the eyes of my mother, had penetrated too deeply to be exorcised through only one encounter with the Parkway. And it took my husband even longer to realize I was finally willing to give the road a chance.

Now we drive at least a piece of the Blue Ridge Parkway almost every time we visit the mountains. We have found amazing camp grounds, hiking trails, and picnic areas along this scenic highway. It's a beautiful place which no longer inspires any fear in my heart.

My mother, on the other hand, is still terrified of it.

Indie Book of the Month, January 2017

Why I Wanted to Start Featuring Indie Books

I was becoming quite the hypocrite. I'm an indie author, and I firmly believe that indies can write good books, but I was becoming more and more hesitant about actually picking them up and reading them. Why? Because the first two indie books I tried to read were awful. Worse than awful. They were atrocious. The mistakes went so far beyond typos and the occasional misplaced comma that I couldn't even finish them. And I never fail to finish a book. Ever.

But I knew there had to be some indies out there who actually knew how to use the English language. I just needed to find them. And because I'm an indie author myself, I knew that if I could find them, then promote them to the world, I'd be helping myself too because, hey, if one indie book can be good, others can too. And that includes my books. Right? Well, I hope so.

There's also the whole networking thing, which I pretty much suck at but I'm trying to get better. These monthly features are a first step.

The Criteria I Thought I'd Follow

I was not going to feature a romance. A couple of reasons for this. First, it's never been my favorite genre. Over the years I've been gradually drawing the conclusion that if you've read one romance you've read them all. Frankly, they bore me. These feelings were most likely driven home by the fact that the last two romances I tried to read were Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey. So, okay, I have a tendency to read two books from a certain category, then judge the whole category by those two books alone. I should work on this. I am working on this. But I still wasn't going to feature a romance because, in addition to not particularly enjoying them, I also believe the indie market is saturated with them. I'm an indie author who dares to write something else, and I feel I'm getting lost in the shuffle. Even finding bloggers to review my books is a challenge because so many websites only review romance novels. So I was planning to find books which were close to my own genre and feature them. It was all part of the branding thing. I write paranormal books, so I should be showcasing paranormal books on my website.

I was also specifically looking for an author who knew how to follow the rules. Dotted every i. Crossed every t. I'd have been willing to overlook minor punctuation errors because I know I haven't fully mastered the art of the perfect comma and would never judge someone else for struggling in an area where I struggle, but I did at least want to see a general command of the language. That means no errors in verb tense. No misused homophones. Basically my plan was to be a grammar Nazi in my choice of a book.

When a Book Takes Me By Surprise

The book I chose made me rethink all my rules. First off, it's a romance. But I actually liked it. I know. Shocking, right? I was still fighting some prejudice toward this genre even as I was reading it and was thinking, "Do I really want to feature this book on my blog? I mean, I said I wouldn't do romance." But every time I put the book down, all I could think about was wanting to pick it up and read some more or it. If a book is affecting me that much, how can I not choose it for Indie Book of the Month?

The book also breaks some fundamental writing "rules". There are a few examples of wonky verb tense. There's some head hopping. There are some data dumps. But the thing is, I didn't mind them. In fact, the book is so well written in every other respect that I'm almost ready to assume those departures from the rules were deliberate. Reading it, I did not get the impression that the author was making the standard "newbie" mistakes. Rather, I got the impression that this is an author who knows what kind of story she's trying to construct and she's bending a few rules because she likes the effect she achieves when she does that. I may be wrong, but in the end it doesn't matter because this is a darn good book and I'm not going to nitpick the details.

So What Is the Book?

Under Winter Lights by Bree M. Lewandowski. Yes, it's a romance, but it's also so much more. It is about a young dancer. A newbie in the world of professional ballet. A dancer who constantly worries she doesn't have what it takes to be a success. Even when she is given the principal part in the company's latest production, she still struggles with severe self-esteem issues. Then, of course, there's a handsome male dancer who tells her how wonderful she is and tries to restore her confidence in herself. And from that grows the romance.

It was the ballet which pulled me into this book. If you've followed my blog you know some of my history with dance. I quit ballet as a child and didn't look back until I hit my twenties and realized dance was the one thing that was missing from my life. I now take ballet classes. I take tap and jazz. I do Highland Dance competitively. But the fact remains I'm a thirty-something with unfulfilled dance dreams. This book allowed my to live my dreams vicariously through the characters. The descriptions of classes, clothing, warm-ups, music, etc. are so vivid I felt like I was really there with Martina. When she stepped out on stage, I stepped out on stage with her. The world presented in this book is a beautiful one, but like all beautiful things it has a dark side. The author does an excellent job of showing both the beauty and the darkness of professional ballet.

My Recommendation

If you like romance, buy this book. If you like ballet, buy this book. If you know nothing about ballet and want to learn a little something, buy this book. You won't regret it.

Here are the links:

Amazon.com

Amazon.co.uk

Barnes&Noble

5 Tips For Having a Successful Blog

Forgive the clip show format of this post. I figure if I'm going to talk about what has worked for me, I might as well direct you to some of my more successful posts. I mean...why not, right?

Also, this post may be a little different from what you are expecting. Normally articles with similar titles to this one are all about SEO. You know, the perfect title to make people click. Subheadings, also with perfect titles, to keep people reading. That sort of thing. But that's not what I'm writing about today. Why? Two reasons. 1.) If you're a blogger you've probably read about SEO until you're absolutely sick of it, and 2.) I must admit I haven't fully mastered the art of SEO yet. So this is something a little different. But hopefully "different" is what you're looking for. So here are my tips for writing a successful blog post.

Know Your Audience

I am an indie author and am therefore followed by a lot of indie authors on social media. So whenever I share juicy information about writing (not my writing, but writing in general) I tend to get a lot of page views. And sometimes a few comments as well. Here are a few posts about writing and indie publishing that have been successful:

Learning to Deal With Critical Reviews

Let's Stop Blaming Amazon and Focus On the Real Problem

5 Reasons Why Indie Authors Need to Read Indie Books

The Craziest Thing I Learned When I Self-Published My Book

Does a book have to be good to be successful?

Share In The Right Places

This is related to knowing your audience, but takes it a step further. I'm talking about actively seeking out your audience, then sharing a blog post that is pertinent to their interests. Here are some articles that got views from people who wouldn't normally have been reading my blog if I hadn't shared them in the appropriate Facebook groups.

Shared with my Spanish learners group:

10 Tips to Help You Become Fluent in a Second Language

The Bizarre Things That Happen When You're Becoming Fluent in a Second Language

Just When You Thought You Could Finally Call Yourself Bilingual

Shared with my indie authors group:

Learning To Deal With Critical Reviews

Shared with my weight loss group:

Why I Decided To Go Vegetarian in the New Year

The key to sharing in groups like that is to do it infrequently and to only share information you think may be of interest to the other members. Don't share as a form of shameless self-promo. That doesn't go over well.

Write While You're Emotional

This may do nothing for you in terms of SEO. After all, when people read your title they don't know how passionate you were about your topic, unless you've filled your title up with f-bombs or something. So there's no added incentive to click, but once they do they are more likely to share, retweet, or comment because what you had to say made an impact. Here are some of my more emotional posts:

Do People Grieve After a Job Loss?

Into the Wild: A Reflection on the Film

Review of the Ana Kokkinos Film The Book or Revelation

Is It Offensive to Call a Woman a "Girl"?

Network With Others

This one's obvious. If you write a blog post that helps someone else out, they'll help you share your post with the world. I've done little networking on my blog so far, but I plan to do a lot more in the new year, so hopefully this list will be getting a good bit longer. Here is my measly collection of posts designed to help my fellow indie authors:

Chasing the Dream: My Interview With Aspiring Author Madeline Courtney

Submissions for Indie Book of the Month

And a Little SEO

I've said I'm not an expert in SEO, but I do seem to have pulled off a few successes here and there. How do I know? Because I have a few blog posts that continue to get views long after I've stopped sharing them, which means they must be turning up on web browsers when people search certain topics. Here are some of my posts which have had the best staying power, and which must therefore be good examples of SEO

Learning to Deal With Critical Reviews

Are Creative People More Prone to Depression?

Movies Every Supernatural Fan Needs to See

Parallels Between The X Files and Supernatural

The Odd World of the Introverted Artist

These are the things that have worked for me. I'd love to hear your own experiences, so please leave a comment.

Is It Offensive to Call a Woman a "Girl"?

I'm not the kind of girl to get all upset over vocabulary.

See what I did there? Now you know my personal feelings about the word "girl."

But before you go accusing me of being a traitor to my gender, you should know I do have some feminist leanings. Sure, I don't care one whit about gender-specific words. "Girl" doesn't bother me. I've never felt the need to replace history with herstory. You can refer to the entire human race as mankind all day long and I won't bat an eyelid. I was never even bothered by the now archaic practice of using "he" as a generic pronoun in formal writing. It's just easier than saying "he/she" or "s/he".

But I do get my feathers ruffled by some things. I have a strong disdain for chivalry, which makes me something of an odd nut considering that I'm a Christian living in the Bible Belt. In many of the social circles in which I move, chivalry is alive and well. And I know men don't mean anything offensive by it when they hold a door for a woman. I know they're just trying to be gentlemen. To do what their mamas taught them and treat all women like queens. But still, it irks me. Okay, we make it to the door at the same time and the man reaches out and opens it then lets me go in first, fine. I can handle that. But if he sees me walking toward the building from halfway across the parking lot and he waits at the door just so he can open it for me, I'm like, "Seriously, dude?" I mean, why? Just why? But...honestly? I think it bothers me not so much because I find it offensive to women, but because I find it offensive to men. "Huh?" you say? Think about it. Why is there this unwritten rule that men should suffer just so women don't have to? Why should that poor guy have to stand out in the rain and the cold so he can hold the door for me like his mama taught him? Just go in and get warm and dry. Please. My gender should not make me entitled to an easy ride at your expense. Just, please.

The Quandary of the Word "Girl"

It was brought to my attention that some women find "girl" offensive yesterday. I started a thread in an online writers' group, asking about my wording of this passage from my WiP:

Damian was more of a beer guy than a wine and Champagne guy, but this was his Valentine’s gift to his fiancée and Jenn liked to indulge in the finer things in life. So if she wanted fancy, he’d give her fancy. No one could accuse Damian of not knowing the way to his woman’s heart.


I was worried about the word "woman". To me it sounded macho. I envisioned a scruffy guy with a beer gut wearing a wife beater (picture Onlsow from Keeping Up Appearances) coming home from work and saying, "Woman, you better get in that kitchen and get me a sandwich and a cold beer or else!" "Girl" reminded me more of high school sweethearts. You know...he takes her to the fair and wins a huge stuffed animal for her. He pins her corsage to her dress before taking her to the prom. He always addresses her parents as "sir" and "ma'am". That kind of thing. So to me, "his girl" was similar to saying "his sweetie" while "his woman" sounded more like "his bitch."

When the first commenter suggested that "girl" was condescending, that was the first time I'd ever been introduced to the idea some people found the word offensive. Then two more people commented with the same sentiments. Huh. It hadn't even been on my radar, but apparently it's becoming a rule that no one should refer to women as "girls". It had never even occurred to me to be offended by that.

What I Found Out About the Word "Girl"

I was confused as heck, so I had to do a Google search. I had to know if this was really a thing. Turns out it is. From what I learned, it seems to be mainly an issue for women in the workplace. If a woman wants to be taken seriously as a professional, she's going to get upset if her male coworkers refer to her as a girl. Okay. Makes sense. No one takes a girl seriously, but you'd darn sure better take a woman seriously.

But Damian is not Jenn's coworker. Or her boss. He's her fiancé so what the heck is wrong with him calling her his "girl". It just sounded endearing to me. I still haven't quite figured out the answer to this. It has something to do with seeing women as sexual objects and not respecting them as people. But to me "woman" has more of that feel to it than "girl". Again, your "girl" is someone you take to the prom and bring home to mama. Your "woman" is someone who'd better do what you tell her or she's going to see the backside of your hand. Think of The Godfather. In the beginning, Kay is Michael's girl. By the end she'd morphed into his woman. But maybe my view is outdated. Like I said, I've only learned of this "offensive" word in the past twenty-four hours, so perhaps I need some time to digest it.

Why It Bothered Me That People Would Find "Girl" Condescending

I got upset about this. I mean really. I couldn't stop thinking about it for a long time. Even shed a few tears. Yeah. Tears. At first I couldn't figure out why I was crying over it. I thought maybe it was the shock of finding out that something I consider normal, even endearing, could offend someone else. I think everyone's probably been in that situation at least once. It's not an easy thing to experience.

The more I thought, about it, however, the more I realized I was offended. Why? Because the people questioning my use of the word "girl" were also questioning Damian's use of the word "girl". They were saying Damian was condescending. If you're a writer you know how easy it is to fall in love with your characters. I've fallen in love with Damian. He's my baby. I created him and he's mine. My own. My precioussss.

Oh...sorry. Not sure what happened there. Anyway, you don't insult Damian in front of me. Basically, if you want to hurt my baby, you have to fight your way past me first. (That's an odd thing to say, because I allow other characters in the book to hurt him badly, but whatever). So I was perfectly fine with him saying "girl". I very well could have changed what I had written (I didn't, thank goodness) and I would have been fine with it. But I would have made him vulnerable to attack. I would have given people an opportunity to call him condescending and a chauvinist. Wow. I really dodged a bullet on that one. Or, rather, he dodged a bullet.

What "Girl" Means To Me

I was sixteen when I started dating my husband. I was his girl. I'm now thirty-seven, and I hope I'm still his girl. I hope that when I'm eighty and my boobs are dragging the ground, my crow's-feet have spread over the rest of my face, and my legs are riddled with varicose veins, I'll still be his girl. I hope that he will still be able to look at me and see that cute redhead who caught his eye on the football field at band camp back in the mid 1990s. Because that's what I think of when I hear the word. I think you're saying I'm youthful and spunky. Wide-eyed and full of life. Optimistic about what the future holds. I don't think you're calling me unintelligent or immature. But then, maybe I need to get out more. Who knows?

5 Things That Were Different About Season 1 of Supernatural

Anyone who watches Supernatural knows the show has changed a lot over the years. I've actually blogged about this in the past, but I'm re-watching season 1 again (I think this makes round 3) and am noticing some specifics that may have slipped by me last time, so I thought I'd list them.

The Blood Spray

This is a staple on the show nowadays. Whenever there is a "monster of the week" style episode, and even in some episodes related to the main story arc, if someone is killed by that episode's primary villain, rather than show the person dying, it shows blood splattering on a nearby surface. When I began my latest run through season 1, I was excited to see the blood spray in the pilot episode. But you know what? I'm now over half-way through the season and I don't think I've seen it since. Hmm...something I so strongly associate with this show was virtually nonexistent in the early episodes. It doesn't take away from my enjoyment (seasons 1 and 2 are still my favorites) but I do find it interesting.

Carry On My Wayward Son

Another Supernatural staple. If you're a fan, you know this is the song that has been played during the recap of every season finale since the beginning. Or has it? Actually no. The song does appear during a recap in season 1, but not in the finale. It's in the episode before the finale. And I think I know why that song was chosen. A major theme of the first season is Sam's relationship with his dad. In the last few episodes this conflict comes to a head, and the title of the song (if not the rest of the lyrics) fits perfectly with that particular story arc. But it's not in the season finale...sorry. For that you have to wait for season 2.

The Colors

This was something I noticed about the show when I watched season 1 for the first time. The colors were always muted. I suppose the intent was to add to the creepy atmosphere by stripping the world of everything bright and beautiful (I think I'm quoting church hymns now...). It worked. I loved the look of the show in the early days. I think season 6 was the first season where everything was presented in full color, and I'm not sure why that change was made.

Pie

Another recurring theme. It's a long running joke on Supernatural that Dean is obsessed with pie, but when Sam makes a food run he always forgets it. Guess what? Not in season 1. There's only one mention of pie. It's in the episode Scarecrow and, yes, Dean does eat it but only because the creepy little town where he's stopped for lunch is famous for its apples and the local restaurant is famous for its apple pie. You have to wait for season 2 before you actually get to hear Dean say he loves pie.

The Bad Guys

This is huge. This is the main reason the show is so different now, and it took me awhile to figure it out. The way it happened was this: My husband and I were watching an episode of season 1 together recently (I made him watch it with me, saying, "I have to show you how different the show was back then") and he actually found himself enjoying it (he doesn't usually like re-watching television programs. Movies, yes, but TV shows...no). He turned to me and said, "Why was the show so much better in the beginning?" The answer? The bad guys. They were actually scary in the early days whereas now...not so much. But why were they scary? Because they weren't regular characters on the show. They didn't have personalities. They didn't have motives other than causing as much destruction as possible. They were always in the shadows. Unseen. Shrouded in mystery. And that made them frightening. Now demons are presented simply as businessmen vying for position and making their way up the corporate ladder. Vampires are just trying to keep their families fed. The devil is a narcissist, sure, but he's pretty darn funny at the same time. But it didn't used to be that way. It used to be scary, and I liked it when it was scary.

Did I miss anything? I'd love to know about it, so feel free to leave me a comment.